Hey you, I’m happy to see you here. I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch for a while now and this blog is about a main thread in that. There are limitations in our lives we are subjected to, but some of those are entirely based on societies ideas of things, not on what they actually are, and others are limitations we create in our own heads based on struggles. I see this a lot with my gender identity vs expression, my ASD and also my spiritual path.
I’m starting a new category, Thoughts of the Journey, for these types of blogs where I want to discuss my thoughts, feelings and other related things to my journey in life as a nonbinary spiritual (heathen) person. I notice that I have more of an urge to talk about my not necessarily entirely spiritual experiences and I want this blog to hold a space for that.
Some of you may have physical or mental disabilities that limit you in your life and you will understand that there are limitations you simply need to learn to life with, to adapt to, to protect and take care of yourself better. Those are not the limitations I’m talking about in this blog.
I’m talking about ideas we, our direct environment or our culture/society tell ourselves, expectations that are made that are not realistic or helpful and limit us in living happy healthy lives. These are not things we can unlearn all that easily, but we can try. Seeing them in place can be a start of its own, if you don’t try to unlearn them yourself you may be able to find a counselor to help you with it.
Unlearning Limitations of Gender
One of the big things I keep having to remind myself of the last few weeks is that how I look, what I like and how I express myself don’t invalidate who I innately am. Some of those things are part of me as a person, my interests, but don’t say anything about my gender. I adore flowers and plants, elegance, softness, there are so many things I love that we would stereo-typically deem feminine. However, when it comes to me and how I see myself as a nonbinary person, I’d say I feel much more agender or masculine than feminine. It feels contradictory because I constantly see things in society being linked to gender that have nothing to do with it, and as a result am often (wrongly) categorized by people based on those ideas. It is also these unwritten subjective societal rules or expectations that some people use to enhance their gender expression, to be more “passing” as how they feel they are. These limitations help one and cripple another. It’s complicated, it’s messy.
I quite frankly hate the random thoughts that pop into my head of things I like that try to categorize it as feminine or masculine when it objectively is neither. I don’t like that when I go to voice therapy to help me manipulate my voice to be more me that I need to define it in words such as neutral, masculine or feminine.
I try to help myself out by unlearning those rules and expectations. I want people to be themselves and comfortable, I want to be those things, without other people putting limitations on myself, or me projecting the limitations of others onto myself. I believe we would all be more free, respectful and accepting people if we could let go of those expectations while enjoying the ones that fit ourselves.
Unlearning Limitations of ASD
With my ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I put a lot of limitations onto myself when it comes to options. I don’t always see opportunities, I mostly see hurdles, limitations, obstacles. It’s quite draining. Some of those limitations are justified, others are just worries of uncertainty. I know my ASD makes me time blind, that I have trouble transitioning between tasks. Those are limitations I’ve accepted and try to find ways for to navigate them. I also see limitations such as thinking people won’t understand what I mean unless I over-explain, that I won’t fit into certain groups or jobs because of the different needs and expectations I have so I might as well not try. I need to unlearn setting limitations without questioning their right to be a limitation.
Unlearning Limitations of the Path
My path suffers from things I’ve already mentioned. There’s a lot of sources and cultural things in relation to European paganism that don’t refer to people like me, nonbinary people. A lot of spiritual or witchcraft related things refer to women, divine femininity and masculinity, things like “womb magic” and such float around the community from time to time (which ultimately means I need to filter out some channels I follow).
I feel limited in my ability to connect to myself and my practice now compared to the way I did before, because what I had told myself was the case turned out to be a little different in the end. I have spiritual experiences that I interpreted a certain way because of my (taught) perspective at the time that I now look on differently. I think we all go through that throughout our lives, not necessarily the same way I did. It is a whole lot of analyzing, learning and growing as a person to recognize where and how it can be different.
I feel limited in my sense of expectations I feel I need to live up to. That limitation has gone so far as to having made me have no patience to slow down. It’s strengthened by my time blindness and inability to transition between tasks more fluidly where I sometimes end up telling myself I may just as well not try to not disappoint myself. Unlearning unrealistic expectations is important for your mental health and self worth, it is a (self imposed) limitation that can have quite serious effects on your perspective if you let it continue unchecked.
My wish
I want to be able to let myself grow without limitations that serve no other purpose than to hold me back in discomfort, fear and a lack of self-worth. I want to be able to set healthy boundaries for myself and my needs and navigate alternative pathways that work with my limitations, not against them. I want to nurture and accept who I am as a person without judgement of who society wants or tells me things should be.
I want all of you to unlearn the limitations that you’ve allowed in your life that serve no purpose when it comes to loving, accepting, respecting and protecting yourself.
Path of Ashes 